AN UPDATE ON STEVE GUTTENBERG

Steve Guttenberg was jacked, Dane Cook is gay, and other ramblings from Beyond the Veil

Loyal Readers,

I am devoting this edition to various topics.

Topic a.)

Great Googly Moogly! Did anyone realize how good Steve Guttenberg's physique was? The man was built like a Greek god.

Topic b.)

I think the fact that Dane Cook is gay needs to be documented on the internet. This has been verified to us here at Things We See by a very reliable source.

We know you are a homosexual, Dane, so quit it with the whole overly hetero frat dude persona. Stop living a lie! Embrace your true self! I used to find you funny before you became overexposed and irritating (and even admitting that fact has become a surefire way to lose street cred in many respectable social circles.) You're on the fast track to becoming the next Andy Dick.

I think it's about time you rethink your life, your career, and your roles.

Topic c.)

My review of Dr. Scholls Gel Insoles after roughly 3 hours of wear.

8.0/10

I am gellin' like the dragon puppet from Eureka's Castle.

Topic d.)

My review of No Country for Old Men.

This is a legitimately great movie, that deserved all the acclaim it got. It was exciting, scary, emotional, and thought provoking.

9.0/10

A reason Matt is glad to be alive.

Loyal Readers,

As an extremist fan of the Indiana Jones series, I figured I would take the time to write some musings on the franchise in general.

The fourth installment of the adventures of Indiana Jones has lingered in development hell since the days when I was struggling to comprehend the disturbing and sudden changes my adolescent body was experiencing. I recall an interview with Steven Spielberg on my VHS copy of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade in which he excitedly discussed the upcoming film.

In the summer of 2003, acclaimed writer/director Frank Darabont completed a screenplay that Spielberg described as "the best since Raiders." I was as giddy as a schoolboy (and I was never giddy...even as a schoolboy.) Not soon after, however, news broke that the project had been scrapped because George Lucas, "didn't like it". Fan boys 'round the globe posted seething hate fueled rants on message boards and it was, seemingly, the death blow to the chance of a new Indy film ever seeing the light of day.

Sometime later, news bits began to pop up about a new writer being hired and a new script in production. These rumors bounced around for awhile, and then it came out that a new new writer was working on it. It all seemed rather ridiculous and hopeless.

To my surprise, in the Winter of 2006, an official press release was issued by Lucasfilm stating that the fourth film was to go into production in the Spring of 2007.

To this 6'4" man-child, it was the greatest Christmas gift ever.

So now,

Some Reasons Why I Love Indiana Jones:

- Indiana Jones is a perennial loser. Each of the films begins with him being one upped by a rival. I can relate to that.
- He gets his ass kicked in a fight (yet manages to win, usually on a lucky whim.)
- Melting Nazis and heart ripping Thuggee cultists.
- The artifacts, or "McGuffins" are tremendously good plot devices.
- His hat rarely falls off...and when it does, it comes back.
- Everyone loves Han Solo in Star Wars ... and Indy is kind of like him.
- The classic 1930's setting.
- Sallah asks Indy how he intends to go after the truck carrying the Ark to Cairo, and he responds, "I don't know...I'm making this up as I go."
- His father is played by Sean Connery.
- He attempts to rescue his father in an Austrian castle by impersonating a Scottish Lord.
- Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis was an amazing computer game.
- The violence is occasionally graphic, but is portrayed with a distinct sense of humor.
- As his father and friends peer over a cliff at the smoldering wreckage of a tank, mourning his apparent death, Indy wanders over and casually peers over their shoulders to see what they are looking at.

I am anxiously awaiting May 22.

Review of Not Having Cable (and first contest)

Loyal Readers,

Nearly a year ago, I made a decision that had the potential to forever change my life. Having recently moved to an apartment that was not wired for cable television, I decided to try and make it through the summer without one of the few constants in my life.

I wish I could say that I chose to go without cable for either an ideological or a financial reason. Sadly, it was primarily because I am by all accounts lazy and I did not want to deal with the hassle of calling the cable company and scheduling an appointment to have them drill a hole in my landlord's house.

In lieu of taking you through the emotional roller coaster I've been on since June 1st, 2007, I will provide you, our loyal readers, with a list of pros and cons of not having cable in order to allow you to come to your own conclusions.

Pros:

1. I save roughly $75 a month. Coupled with the fact that I "borrow" wireless internet, I save a nice chunk of change.
2. I have become more aware of the entire schedule of the CW. I find that most of the shows are intolerable, but watching the CW has helped me develop an intense hatred of Tyra Banks.
3. In my days of cable television, I would typically watch ESPN Sportscenter as I got ready for work. On account of not having this option, I began watching NBC's The Today Show. Much to my surprise, and the surprise of my loved ones, I have developed a deep and meaningful attraction for Ann Curry, a contributor to the Today Show.
4. I find that the money saved assuages any guilt that I would otherwise have when I buy a video game or DVD.

Cons:

1. I live in a basement and I can only get the CW in clearly. Although this has the positive advantage of solidifying my ill will towards Tyra Banks, the CW is typically low quality television.
2. I still watch TV despite the fact that there is nothing on. I feel as if this might be a character flaw. (Loyal Readers, this is our first contest: Whoever gives me the most interesting hobby idea, will gain the knowledge that I am adding fulfillment to my life and will also receive 7 digital pictures of Matt and myself engaging in said activity.)
3. The sickening sense that I have stepped back technologically.
   

Review of Barry

Dear Loyal Readers,

This blog was created with the intention of reviewing things that we enjoy, hate, see, feel, touch, taste or otherwise interact with. Also, it's fun to pretend that we have Loyal Readers.

It is only fitting that we begin by reviewing each other.

The best way to describe the relationship between Barry and myself is to say that he is the Martin Riggs to my Joe Pesci. In short, when we are together, you probably want to turn off TBS and go do something more productive.

We first met on a freighter fifty miles off the coast of Antarctica. Barry was serving as the ship's cook, and I was merely a deck hand, using my rare free time to work on my amateur photography. We spoke only occasionally, our duties keeping us mostly in separate quarters.

When a group of Ukrainian keel haulers boarded our vessel and stole the majority of our supplies (as well as severely damaging our engines and communication devices) we were left to slowly starve in the freezing seas of that oh-so-forgotten hemisphere. There were 64 good men on that ship. Only Barry and I lived to see Cape Horn three weeks later, by the grace of a small but sturdy lifeboat. On the fringes of death, life sprouted -- and we became brothers.

And now, my review (which is by no means all encompassing)

Pros:

- Barry is as smart as a whip, and just as quick. And hard.
- He is a fine teammate in Halo.
- He has the same sense of humor as me, which is a rare thing.
- He has a really cool girlfriend.
- The ability to function well in social situations, when applicable.
- He goes with me to get soup and salad.


Cons:
- His taste in video games, movies and television is occasionally slightly different from mine.
- Noncommittal.
- He played Human Frogger once, and I was skeered.
- Sometimes he's grumpy.
- Before I knew him, he intimidated me.

Replay Value:
Barry is not someone you are going to grow bored of in a weekend. He'll provide hours upon hours of entertainment, and that's just the main quest. Countless sidequests and mini-games will further enrich the experience, and in the process you'll discover a whole wealth of backstory that would make even Tolkien purists stand and huzzah! While the occasional fetch quest might slow things down a bit, you'll be hard pressed to not be smiling throughout the journey.

In the end, I give Barry a...

10/10

Review of Matt

Despite the fact that I initially met Matt at the age of 18, we did not really hang out until we were 21. So, for the span of three years, Matt was simply a kid who I would punch in the stomach at parties as a means of coping with the fact that he is much taller than I.

Now that I have gotten to know him much better, I feel as if I am properly equipped to review his character. To aid in clarity, I will list both strong and weak points below.

Strengths:

1. Nice hair -- It has good body and smells like coconut. I think he uses Aussie hair products.
2. Genuinely funny -- We have very similar senses of humor. The one problem is that we tend to exclude ourselves from others at parties with our constant stream of inside jokes and references to obscure movies.
3. He buys me dinner from time to time.
4. Very clean -- I was tempted to make this a negative because he makes me feel bad about myself, but then I realized that I shouldn't penalize him for my own failing.
5. He once wrote a short story about me having oars instead of arms.

Weaknesses:

1. Once got angry with me for not wanting to see Beowulf.
2. Does not enjoy Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
3. Can not stand bathroom humor -- I'm not sure if this is my weakness or his, but if you ever want to annoy Matt, make sure you make a few poo jokes.